I am a registered Democrat who lives in North Carolina. I have a habit of never answering my phone, I let the caller leave a message on my machine (unless it's my mom, my wife or one of my kids, that is). On Sunday, I received a nice call from Hillary Clinton. Well, a recorded message, anyway. She was quite polite, and let me know that she wanted my vote!

Barack Obama has scheduled a special press conference for noon today, at which he will announce that he is no longer going to seek the Democratic party nomination for President. Rather than continue the divisive process of primary campaigning, he has decided to step back from his quest for the White House.  Instead, he will pledge to support the candidacy of Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Many valiant electrons have been sacrificed trying to convince us to get behind one of the 3 remaining viable candidates for our party's nomination for the 2008 presidential race (sorry Mr. Gravel). But how to choose among such worthy alternatives? Who deserves the task of cleaning out the Augean Stables that Bush has made of our once shining nation? Emotions are running higher than GWB at a Yale frat party around here, and it's time we apply cool reason and logic to solve this conundrum. Venture below the fold, where I apply my butterknife-sharp tools of reason to help you decide!

Hardees makes a really great burger. Since 2005, when they began to use only Angus beef, I have supported Hardees with all my fast-food dollars. Especially when they came out with that one on the sourdough bread, mmmm! However, I have determined lately that there is no way that Hardees will surpass McDonalds or Burger King to become the pre-eminent fast food franchise in the US. Thus, instead of wasting my money at Hardees, I will be switching to Burger King, a franchise that has a chance to knock McDonalds from the top spot.

This diary is intended to remind you trusted users to be careful before you use your troll rating, or perhaps to garner further troll-points and many tasty recipes if I'm way off the mark. Either way, enjoy!

I am a regular (frankly, obsessive) reader of the fine stories and diaries on Daily Kos. I comment regularly, often posting snarky one-liners downthread when people are beginning to turn to the humorous aspects of a subject. However, I have yet to achieve the status of a "Trusted User"; my diary contributions have been limited due to the fact that you all always pick the good ideas before I can think of them; actually, that's why I come here. Anyway, imagine my surprise and shame this evening upon checking whether or not anyone noticed any of my comments to find that I am... a Troll.

So mateys, many of ye be thinkin' that a vote for Ol' Cap'n Bill's first mate be a proper way ta' get our pirate ship back on course. Blow me down! Sorry ta' swear an' all, but Hillary ain't the finest dog on the seven seas, blast it!

By now, you've probably read the excellent diary by Louise detailing the reasons why Tucker Carlson deserves to be fired or otherwise face consequences for his homophobic and violent on-air comments regarding his purported assault by a man in a D.C. bathroom. A quick check of Carlson's biography (see below) raises one question about his story that could be used to check its veracity. Many of you clever Kossacks out there might be inclined to use your investigative skills to check on some of the details of Carlson's statements, of course to confirm that he is telling the truth, and not to turn up the heat on this sorry excuse for a journalist.

Jump below the fold, where I will discuss several points you may want to consider.

As many of us have read, when Vice President Cheney travels, he has a list of amenities he requests at each hotel he stays at. Among these comforts, Cheney's suite must be set at a temperature of 68 degrees, and he must have 4 cans of Diet Sprite. And of course, the televisions must be on and pre-set to Fox News. Well, I can certainly understand why the Vice President enjoys being enveloped in a cocoon of pro-administration propaganda, but that doesn't mean the rest of us have to be. We can all help to get as many telescreens as possible to switch off the worst manifestation of the right-wing noise machine.

Do you like babies? Especially cute, happy babies? How about cuddly, furry kittens? Me too! And let us not forget about puppies. Imagine a pudgy puppy running along and stumbling, and falling down, then jumping back up and scampering about! Wouldn't you like to see that?

Varmint,
eyesore.

Your alert gaze,
make nice already with the squeaking, squeaking!

I desire a hat,
a comfortable fur hat

Today's News for the Media

Top stories:

Some creepy bastard did not commit some crime several years ago that we all thought he probably did. Media frenzy will continue for several more days, in which we will speculate as to why creepy bastard would claim to have committed heinous crime. Several weeks of stories as to why everyone believed creepy bastard in the first place (Note: ignore fact that you believed him too). Heart-wrenchingly cute victim will be featured prominently, allowing opportunity for repackaging and republication of previous wild speculation and much new speculation. New theory: were bloggers responsible? Excellent visuals: creepy bastard, cute victim, grim law enforcement personnel. Media person's face: disapproving, indignant, mildly disgusted.

Disaffected right-leaning centrists, Republicrats, and GWB fangirls! Get ready for some Joementum! Get in on the ground floor! You can make a difference! Whether you live here in North Carolina, "The Humid State" (or whatever it is we call ourselves), or in some lesser commonwealth of our great nation, heed my call to action! Today, I begin the creation of a new political organization, "North Carolinians for Lieberman"!

Before you scoff, hear me out. We here in Better Carolina are proud of our status as a "red" state, our fondness for Democratic governors and state legislatures notwithstanding. This is our chance to strike a blow for Freedom* and Security*, and against the Islamo-fascist terrorists* and those radical-leftist bloggers*!

(* tm RNC, 2001)

That's right folks! It is time for another speech from our dear, respected chief executive, the leader of the free world, pride of America, President George W. (Whiteshoes) Bush!